Kill Me If You Can by James Patterson

It all starts with Matthew Bannon, who I will from now on refer to as Matty Sue, finding some diamonds.  Several millions of dollars worth of diamonds are in a locker next to a dead Russian man.  The struggling (but still incredibly talented) artist immediately picks them up and tricks the police with a deception on the spot.  Matty Sue returns to his drop-dead gorgeous girlfriend and surprises her with a trip to Paris with his newfound millions.  There appear to be two competing hit-men going after Matty Sue and the gorgeous Katherine as they move from country to country.  They make love everywhere they go.  Katherine quite rightly tells Matty Sue that he is the best lover ever.  Not to mention incredibly handsome and pretty much invincible from his time in the navy.  He also has another, secret skill that he is also the best in the world at.  The Russians have many contacts and many resources, so Matty Sue has to keep on his toes to evade them!  The woman hit-man chasing him is, of course, very beautiful.  In fact, I am beginning to suspect that this book is set in an post-apocalyptic world where any woman who is not drop-dead gorgeous has been ruthlessly eliminated.

Matthew Bannon is the kind of person who thinks that when you have flaws, it means that you have the white string that the dentists tell you to use.  His time in the navy has enabled him to lift hundreds of pounds and still make "funny" remarks.  He stays under the aforementioned weight for hours and only gets a few cracked ribs.  Matty Sue is apparently incredibly handsome, as evidenced by the random waitress who can't wait to get romantic with him.  His art cannot be criticized.  Bad things happen to those in the book who tell him that his art is anything but brilliant.  They are obviously pathetic, repugnant people for having different tastes than him.  Besides, there's no need to change even if he's doing horribly.  After all, his girlfriend is the art teacher, ensuring him a perfect score on everything.  All who see Matty Sue's marvelous drawings are blown away by their sheer awesomeness.  Another fun trait of Matty Sue is that he speaks all of the languages in the world except for Russian.  Italian and Dutch spring easily to mind.  Matty Sue has the best kind of friends: those who he never even thinks about for most of the book, but who randomly pop up whenever he has n other way out.  Trapped on a boat, Matty Sue?  Get your never-before-mentioned buddy Kino to help!  One of his other friends is one of the best snipers in the world, because Matty Sue can't have everything for himself.  The only thing that was flawed about Matty Sue was his penchant for making the worst jokes known to man throughout the book.

This also must be taking place in a world where demons and angels are fighting, and not humans, because the bad guys have zero redeeming qualities, and the good guys have zero flaws.  Really?  Incest?  Is everybody who isn't on the protagonist's side in a league with Satan or what?  Not to mention the guy who doesn't like Matty Sue's art.  What a horrible crime.

If you need eye exercise, read this.  You will roll your eyes after every chapter, and sometimes in the middles of chapters as well.  You might even get a better view of the ceiling than the pages.  Otherwise, Kill Me If You Can is a book to stay away from if you can.